So, this is it. I’ve got my blog pretty much setup the way I want and now the writing begins. There is so much to write about that I don’t even know where to start. I guess this first post will just get things kicked off a bit.
Although there is not a “typical” aspie, if there was, I would probably not be it. My counselor says that I am a complicated man because of the many diagnosis that I already have due to what all I have gone through in life. Unfortunately, it has taken 31 years to be diagnosed with Aspergers, BPD, ADD, PTSD, and OCD. My doc says that there might very well be more diagnoses in my future once more is revealed in counseling.
I’m still not sure really what to think about all of this. I know I am not a crazy person, psychopath, insane, etc etc. I’m the type of person you would want with you in war as I would take a bullet for you. Yup, you, the person reading this article that I have never met before. I’m the type of person you would want as a brother or child or husband. I am extremely honest, but yes from time to time I am sure I do lie. I’d give everything I’ve got to you and you would not even have to ask. I am very fair and feel I have a great insight on life. I can read people very easily (I know, this is probably not an aspie symptom). I tend to be very trusting to begin with, but the downside to that is that once you break my trust I become very confused, hurt and angry. I can handle it a few times, but what really flips me out is repeated lies, abuse, uncaring and mishandling me as a person. There comes a time when, with each person in my life, I cannot take anymore pain from them and I sorta shutdown any feelings towards them.
I don’t know why people are not giving. Why they are so selfish, self-centered and using of other people. This in itself has taken quite a tole on me, especially in my later years in life. But in my earlier years, when I was a child, I was abused as well. My brother and parents caused significant damage to me and I really have not realized it or accepted that until recently. I grew up believing that my parents were, as they put it, “the best parents our there. We make sacrifices that no other patents do”. Its odd, because in some ways I believed it, but in other ways I doubted it, but had nothing to compare to as I really had no friends to compare their parents to mine. It was not until I went to college and had a few semi-friends and was able to start to realize that wow, some parents actually don’t dominate, control, yell, scream, threaten, verbally abuse their children. I believe the pain I went through growing up was . . . lets see . . . normal. That all kids found themselves in situations just like this. I was a good kid. The worst things I did was cheat through high school (because of the pressure from my parents to make straight A’s) and look at pornography (which I think was a coping mechanism to dilute the pain I was in). I just recently learned that when I would “zone out” when being yelled and screamed at for hours that, it had a name, depersonalization. I would almost blackout. I would focus on one object it seemed the lights would dim and things became sorta like nothing at all. The room would oddly stretch like Gumby and the object that was probably 5 foot away would look as if it were miles away. Yeah, I’m sorry, it does sound a little odd, but I guess it is what it is. I still do some type of rendition of this even today while in my counseling session or when I am in the same room with my folks and listening to the talk or lecture.
My parents expected perfection in me. No drugs, no sex, no lies, no cussing, straight A’s, excellent Christian, no sports or hobbies that they disagreed with, etc, etc. And by perfection, I mean, perfection by their definition, not by the worlds or Gods. If in their head, they could justify things like no going to church, then of course I was not expected to go to church. For one, if they expected me to go to church then, guess what, they would have to go to, as they would have to take me. So, that was manipulated to their advantage. They will tell you I was raised in a “good Christian home”, but again, that was their definition. I was molested by my brother, my parents verbally abused both me and my brother, they both fought constantly and my dad was physically abusive to my mother as well as cheated on her. We rarely went to church, mainly on Christian holidays and not even all of the time. I guess they wanted it to be a Christian home, but unfortunately what you want and reality are sometime very different. And really, if they had of wanted it, they could have made it happen.
Anyway, back to my statement on me not being sure what to do. Being diagnosed with Asperger’s and other things was sorta a relief as it helped to make since of my life and why I did or did not do certain things. But, once diagnosed, what do you do? What can you do? Aspergers has no cure, no medications, except for meds that help with some of the symptoms. BPD, is something that is extremely hard to overcome and some people never do. Medication does not do very well for me. It starts out working and then seems to fad off very quickly. I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on meds to find out that nothing is working. I know counseling will help with dealing with my past, but I just don’t know of anything else to do. I am even having a hard time really grasping who I am really am and how I am supposed to act or what I am supposed to do in life. Much of my life I have lived because its how my parents wanted things, or if I did do things that contradicted them, it was almost not worth it due to the non-stop arguments we have. I’ve got tons of emotions because of all of the crap that has happened, so I don’t know whether I am really a peaceful person or just an angry person. Deep down I really want peace and solitude, but how can you get that when so people in your life do nothing but cause problems?
Any advice from other aspies/bp’s would be greatly appreciated.
